When I was growing up, I've never had a cat or a dog because my father did not want them in the house. So pets I had were fishes and tortoises. The fishes always die quick and mysteriously, I've had so many I've lost count. Yet I always remember the ones that lasted. How, you ask? Well, see, when the fishes died I would flush them down the toilet, quick and easy, it was just like they were never there. Out of all the fishes that died, only two I buried with handmade cardboard headstones and one of them lasted long enough for me to have named.
Can you imagine being a child and having a pet, something you care enough to feed everyday and change its water every so often but not allowing yourself to get too attached to it by naming it lest it died on you, again? What do you think a child learns from such experiences?
That fish was the only pet I've ever named. After that, I had a tortoise. I had it for a long while. But one day it had to go as it got too big. My dad drove me and my sister to the pond. As I took that tortoise out and placed it on the grass next to the pond, a sudden unfamiliar emotion took over me. I did not recognize or understand this emotion but it was strong, too strong. It took all of my being to 'be normal' and it took my father a while to realize that I was not ok.
Throughout this time, I had violin lessons every Sunday at my teacher's place and one day his family rescued a kitten. It was black and white, furry little thing was the size of my palm. I started going to lessons early just to play with it. Violin lessons became less dreary. But one day it disappeared, without a reason. My new found yearnings for Sundays disappeared as well.
I didnt have a pet ever since. Whenever people starts aww-ing at animals I stand apart, as emotionally dead as a doornail. After a while I realized that I couldn't do that, lest someone decides to ask me why I'm as such so I got pretty good at faking "Oh so cuteeeee!!!" I even mastered the eyebrows and hand to the heart action.
Now, a friend of mine has a bulldog (let's call him 'Mr B') and when my friend had to go out of town he would need someone to take care of Mr B. Simple stuff - change his pee pad, fill up his water and food bowl and take him out for walks. Mr B is usually taken care of by my other friends but once in a while I got asked when everyone else was unavailable. My early encounters with Mr B were few and far in between and they were strictly business - I'm doing a favor for a friend, that was it. No talking, no petting and no playing. However, recently my exposure to Mr B increased. Our relationship... grew. In the beginning I would just stare at him without saying a word for a long time. He would sit and fidget, panting/breathing/slobbering like how bulldogs do but once in a while he would just stop and look back at me. Our eyes would lock, almost like we were playing a game of who would look away first. Soon, I started calling his name more often which led to me starting to talk to him. "Let's go for a walk now, Mr B." or "Are you thirsty? Ok, fine I'll fill your water bowl up." or "Mr B, do you know you shit alot?"
One thing led to another and soon whenever I go over to my friend's place to take care of Mr B I started to stay there longer. I would play with him and spend significant time doing nothing else but rubbing his head and neck. When I'm sitting at the edge of the bed with my Mac he would come by and rest his head by my feet. Sometimes I would absent minded-ly just rub/pet his head without even looking over. I don't know if he likes what I'm doing but he didn't bite me so I guess it's alright with him.
Last night it was dinner at my friend's place. A bunch of us went over and some were helping out in the kitchen. I asked to use the computer by the table in the living room to check out the recipe of the dessert my friend was making. His boyfriend (let's call him S) was on the couch typing away at his computer. S spends the weekends there so he has alot more exposure to Mr B than I do. Mr B wandered about, tottering in and out of the kitchen and living room, probably perplexed and excited at this sudden influx of people. As I started reading the recipe, Mr B came by sniffling at me. I looked down and a small smile grew. He sniffled some more, circled by me a few times and suddenly, he laid down next to my feet resting his head on the floor. It didn't occur to me what this meant until S stopped typing and looked up at us across the room.
"Hey, he loves you!"
I froze. "What?" I looked over to S across a spacious and empty living room and then down at Mr B. Mr B just blinked. I paused for a long while, without a reply. I think my silence puzzled S. He didn't know that it took ME a while to realize what I felt.
It took me a while to realize that I felt my heart...swell.
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