A friend of mine is getting married and yesterday at a nice chillout place where we all like to hang out was the impromptu wedding planning. When you have a table full of straight girls with token queers and straight boys, expect to have loud squealing while the tokens' bemused faces look around the not-so-chill-after-all-place apologetically.
First there was the shopping list, then there was the invitation list which led to the job/duties list. It tickles me that I'm in charge of the bachelor party while my gay guy friend (let's call him HBC) is in charge of the bachelorette's. The conversation then took a turn to who is going to walk my friend down the aisle as this would be a small friends-only ceremony as her family is in Hawaii and her BF's family is in Japan.
HBC and I looked at each other. And we realized, what about US? The gay ones, the ones that deify wedding conventions? Who's going to be the one getting walked down the aisle? We already would have to bear with the constant jokes of who's the MAN or WOMAN in the relationship when it's done with. So how do we decide? Do we flip a coin? While HBC and I are hypothetically speaking, I wondered out loud if it would even happen at all - should my Dad survive his disappointment-triggered-heart-attack. For a moment we were silent because HBC echoed my sentiments regarding his family.
We don't know how it works for us, the queer ones. I never thought I'll even get married, ever, because it just wasn't in the cards for me, socially. I'll probably never get to introduce THE GIRL to my grandmother and watch her smile with pride like how she did when my younger sister brought her BF to Sunday brunch. I'll probably never be able to have my parents recognize/acknowledge their GRANDCHILD because I don't think I'll be a birth mother. I'll probably never have my dad 'give me away' even if I win the hypothetical coin flip. So I probably shouldn't try getting married which meant I should never let myself fall in love because it just wasn't in the cards and it hurts too much to not be able to REALLY marry someone you love.
But it took the impending straight wedding of one of my closest friends for us, me at least, to figure some of it out. It wasn't in the cards, however, there's also no fate but what we make for ourselves. (Yes, he's now the Governor of my current home, California. PS: If you are not a fan of TERMINATOR, ignore everything in these parentheses.) For that moment we were silent because HBC echoed my sentiments regarding his family but then he smiled and said " It's ok, I'll walk YOU down the aisle." And suddenly my heart swelled and everything felt right as I replied "And I'll walk YOU down your aisle." We high fived. It's the queer version of handshaking a sealed deal, fyi.
I don't know how it works but I'll figure it out as I go. The one advantage? I get to do things my way.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
"I'll call you."
You would think that by now I would know what “I’ll call you” means. And yes, I think I’ve gotten pretty blasé about it. Blasé to the point that even I unintentionally started using the phase. However, I did not expect the familiar sting of thinly disguised but sometimes genuinely apologetic rejection to surface when I heard those words repeated again several times and all recently.
What am I talking about? Yes. Job-hunting. Or Job dating as I now call it.
A well-placed ad walks into the room and your eyes perked up. You look it up and down, reading and noticing the qualities that start your slide into attraction. The ad doesn’t see you yet so you dash to the restroom, primp your cover letter and remind yourself how absolutely awesome your…assets are. You stride out of the restroom and causally find yourself next to the intended. BAM, you’re talking, you’re impressing and gasps! The intended is listening AND smiling. You present your contact and walk away without looking back to exude well adjusted-ness. Then you stop thinking about the intended and start window whoring again. But before the intended leaves the room, it swings by your table and mentions that you guys should continue the conversation in a quieter room.
Heart skips but you only allow it one beat.
The initial excitement of the scheduling of the date.
The preparation of one’s image presentation.
The fleeting thoughts of how the possible commitment will affect one’s life.
The spark of the rapport during the interview.
Then, the words that needed to be said. “We’ll call you.”
You see, the rub is that I understand. I know that there’s only one position and as qualified as I can be, that is simply not the point. I may have awesome experiences. I may hit it off with the interviewer. But that does not mean our equation is the right answer. This fellow is seeing at least a hundred more other people who may have less stellar assets but when added to the equation of person +position it equals = pretty close to right. It could be a factor of many many things. A lusty animalistic fire of rapport during the interview instead of just a spark and even the simple things like the way she talks and the sound of her laughter resounding stronger in the intended.
Am I disappointed? Yes. Do I resent what happened? No. Why? It’s simple. Relationships between people are complicated and unique. Comparison is impossible. I wasn’t there and I wasn’t part of what happened. I will never know how that chemistry worked out to that person’s benefit. And there’s nothing I can do about it, be it about dating or a job interview. But ironically I feel less pain when it comes to dating. Because I don’t wanna be with someone who would want to be with someone else more. And if that someone is miserable with me or would be happier with that someone else, who am I to stand in the way? Something forced is not how Love works. And I’ll wish them all the happiness life have to offer because that rare and wondrous thing is the only reason why life is worth living.
But job interviews bring out the darkness. Rejection is harder to take because of the willingness to settle for less. You think you can do a better job than that person. You just want the job and you’ll be willing to work later into the night than that person, take a pay cut or even do things that you hate for it. And all that is placed on the flimsy “ I’ll/We’ll call you” possibility.
I don’t resent that there’s someone better out there for you. But I resent you using that line. Please, only say things if you really mean them.
What am I talking about? Yes. Job-hunting. Or Job dating as I now call it.
A well-placed ad walks into the room and your eyes perked up. You look it up and down, reading and noticing the qualities that start your slide into attraction. The ad doesn’t see you yet so you dash to the restroom, primp your cover letter and remind yourself how absolutely awesome your…assets are. You stride out of the restroom and causally find yourself next to the intended. BAM, you’re talking, you’re impressing and gasps! The intended is listening AND smiling. You present your contact and walk away without looking back to exude well adjusted-ness. Then you stop thinking about the intended and start window whoring again. But before the intended leaves the room, it swings by your table and mentions that you guys should continue the conversation in a quieter room.
Heart skips but you only allow it one beat.
The initial excitement of the scheduling of the date.
The preparation of one’s image presentation.
The fleeting thoughts of how the possible commitment will affect one’s life.
The spark of the rapport during the interview.
Then, the words that needed to be said. “We’ll call you.”
You see, the rub is that I understand. I know that there’s only one position and as qualified as I can be, that is simply not the point. I may have awesome experiences. I may hit it off with the interviewer. But that does not mean our equation is the right answer. This fellow is seeing at least a hundred more other people who may have less stellar assets but when added to the equation of person +position it equals = pretty close to right. It could be a factor of many many things. A lusty animalistic fire of rapport during the interview instead of just a spark and even the simple things like the way she talks and the sound of her laughter resounding stronger in the intended.
Am I disappointed? Yes. Do I resent what happened? No. Why? It’s simple. Relationships between people are complicated and unique. Comparison is impossible. I wasn’t there and I wasn’t part of what happened. I will never know how that chemistry worked out to that person’s benefit. And there’s nothing I can do about it, be it about dating or a job interview. But ironically I feel less pain when it comes to dating. Because I don’t wanna be with someone who would want to be with someone else more. And if that someone is miserable with me or would be happier with that someone else, who am I to stand in the way? Something forced is not how Love works. And I’ll wish them all the happiness life have to offer because that rare and wondrous thing is the only reason why life is worth living.
But job interviews bring out the darkness. Rejection is harder to take because of the willingness to settle for less. You think you can do a better job than that person. You just want the job and you’ll be willing to work later into the night than that person, take a pay cut or even do things that you hate for it. And all that is placed on the flimsy “ I’ll/We’ll call you” possibility.
I don’t resent that there’s someone better out there for you. But I resent you using that line. Please, only say things if you really mean them.
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