Of Mice and Love

I have a friend. She can be quite the asshole, even to her friends at times. But I've always looked up to her because she's brave, fearless and beneath the asshole exterior, she's actually pretty just and sound in her convictions.

However, 4 years ago she got tangled up in a rather messy romantic predicament. The other day I called her and guess what? Status quo. Which made me wonder.

Why do people - smart strong and sturdy people - become blinded little mice when it comes to affairs of the heart (and/or chase of the orgasm?)

Let's talk about affairs of the heart in this case shall we? So some people call this phenomenon "Love" or rather, "Falling in Love." Ever since Man was able to sing, tell stories and write, epic songs, teary movies and cryptic poems of Love have been forced into existence. I don't think I need to repeat all the different types of reactions towards Love because it will take me probably a few more blog posts than blogger.com can handle. But one thing is common. It makes people...different from their usual self. It makes them way too happy, it hurts way too much and it changes them.

And that scare the shit out of me. Has anyone not gone through their teenage years, struggling with puberty and for the first time in their life trying to figure out their identity? The fundamental question of "Who am I?" resonate in our everyday life through our actions, our thoughts and our reactions to situations. When someone asks you who you are, do you say "I'm JW, college graduate." or do you say "I'm JW, 24." or do you say "I'm JW, girls frighten me." Remember when all these started? Yes, that moment of self awareness when you realized that you are not a jock or a cheerleader but neither are you the science geek or a social misfit. You were in fact the sporty friendly runner AND the antsy "woe is me and this cruel world" artist. Now, a homeless man asks you for change. Do you ignore his existence and walk away? What a jerk. Do you stop and talk to him? Wow, how kind. Do you give him all your change and more? Dude, schmuck much? All these little things you do tells you so much about who you are and who you don't want to be. It has taken you forever to somewhat figure out who you are and be somehow semi well adjusted with your identity when suddenly one day...

A person enters your life.

And you realized you started doing things you thought you will never do. You start saying mushy stuff in public ("It makes me all mushy inside my heart that you got jealous like that"), you start canceling on friends the last minute (thereby being a total DOUCHEBAG for breaking the BRO CODE) just because he/she wanted to see you and you spend a month's worth of income on an anniversary present. (so much money on anything that's not essential is vulgar no matter what.)

And that's the good part of it. Which is totally fine should it sit well in your soul and it makes you happy but when things go wrong, that's when you realize who you are. Do you do things he/she doesn't like on purpose just to get a reaction out of him/her? Do you let the lie slip? Do you risk letting her/him hurt you again after he/she apologizes? How do you deal with such... adversariness? Nothing can be more confusing than when dealing with matters of pain that is also a subject of affection.

Would the 'old' you choose the same choices? If not, then who are you now? Do you like who you've become? Are you really who you've become? Have you become a blinded little mouse or were you one all along?